Hope Deferred Makes the Heart Grow Sick

I don't think people realize how utterly boring I am. I have no great story or witty personality to keep you intrigued, and yet I desire -like so many of us- to be greater than myself. Why is that, you think? My everyday life consists of my trying, failing, crying and hoping... WHAT A CRAPPY Life... This never ending circle is defining me, and I don't know if I should rejoice in this new found strength or collapse from my weakness.
I keep telling myself to keep pushing; keep trying, because I have to believe in hope. My question: Does hope still believe in me? Through this quest...err journey of whatnots and self discovers, my eyes are opening to people. Their personalities -the perception of my brethren; the possibilities, that had escaped me or that I have let slip by... Yet, I've been conditioned to hold on. It's been instilled in me since birth {I am sure} to "never give up, never surrender." But, what happens when you are tired of trying? Serious question. What happens when hope becomes deferred, and you are at the end of your rope? Pray? I do that... Believe? No doy... Try harder? I'm a freaken rock!
I consider myself intelligent, although I could kick myself for the years I have wasted. {Real talk! Don't let anyone talk you out of your dream, but only a fool skips their education.}
On one of my many random stranger talks (that's what I do, make friends with random strangers) Hawk, a retired sub-marine pilot, told me, "eduction is the the lubricant of the mind". I couldn't agree more. After our 15 min conversation, he agreed with my self evaluated wisdom, but he also said, 'no one will ever know my worth just from seeing skills on a piece of paper, they need to see that I have a degree to back up my worth: it's like an insurance policy'. I hate the fact of institutional learning but you know what...
I have this vision of me doing, being and living. However the fear of not being able to produce the product has taken root. Life does that to you, when you start to second guess your worth. That's why I haven't been blogging much, because I am afraid I will be judged on my comma placements or my grammatical mistakes. Therefore, I won't edit this or second guess my words, I will just express myself and let you read this in the raw. (I'm refusing to live in this fear) So although, I may be boring with no great story to tell, or witty personality, my hope is not completely lost.  I now know I should continue in my studies, because I want to show MYSELF that I have worth. ::with or without a degree::